To sleep perchance to dream

'Twas not to be.

I'm an anomaly. I'm a phenomenon. I'm a military experiment. I had one gin and tonic, one lorazepam, one Zofran, and one Ambien. Some people would be knocked out by half of even one of these substances. (Wimps) Not me! I fitfully dozed for a few hours and then awoke riding in one of those log like ice race chute icy tube race things. A cold wet tube that was wrapped and made out of creepy sheets. Once again I thought the whole night had passed yet once again it was only midnight or so. Edgar Allan Poe hour. Without the Raven or anything interesting. Had to get up and change and rearrange my whole room and my whole self, and then go back to bed. Sort of. Please to have an ordinary day. Please do have an ordinary night. Please to have an ordinary lunch.

I went off to teach my class today. It was so lovely to be back on campus and see my students pulsing with lush glowing glaring cocky health and staring at me at me at me at me at me at me as if nothing was wrong with me. Nothing was wrong with me.

I feel so chemical. When tears roll down my face and hit my mouth they taste wrong. The air that comes into my mouth tastes stale, like the air from inside a balloon you blew up last week. When your breath wasn't so great.

What to eat? I don't know. I feel rather Asian that respect, perhaps a freshly steamed miso fish platter from Eddie V's? Preposterous.

Leila recommended I go see her most favorite most graceful most lovely and wondrous acupuncturist. Leila thinks this creature has such a loving touch and calm spirit that just being in the same room with her is healing. Leila wrote an email to this kind concept of a person who wrote back and suggested that because I am feeling so wastedly she would like for me to see her beloved teacher. This is too sweet for me to contemplate. I am going to see Dr. He on Friday and I'm counting the minutes. He specializes in chemotherapy side effects. I love him already, I can't even type this thinking of him, unknown as he is yet to me. www.drhe.net

I am tired of me. Let's hear some quotes from wiser people.

Pema Chodron:

"Life is glorious, but life is also wretched. It is both."

"Wretchedness--life's painful aspect--softens us up considerably. Knowing pain is a very important ingredient of being there for another person. When you are feeling a lot of grief, you can look right into somebody's eyes because you feel you haven't got anything to lose--you're just there. The wretchedness humbles us and softens us, but if we were only wretched, we would all just go down the tubes. We'd be so depressed, discouraged, and hopeless that we wouldn't have enough energy to eat an apple. Gloriousness and wretchedness need each other. One inspires us, the other softens us. They go together."

And from Rabindranath Tagore:

"You smiled and talked to me of nothing and I felt that for this I had been waiting long."

Everything is okay. I don't mean that I'm feeling okay. I mean literally, every, thing, is okay. Each thing just is in the world as it is, and we must accept it.

Picture my friend Nancy A sent me of a drawing Fiona did for her. She thinks that this picture maybe helped her sell her house because when the potential buyer saw it they realized that her house was for them. I'm not sure:

Annabelle and Dave on a beach in Mexico...aaahhh sounds so divine. Miss you so much. Counting the days to see you:

List of good things:

Diane sent me a beautiful gift today from Nordstrom. Doorbell rang, and I ran down to receive my favorite color package, a silver package from Nordstrom.

Dena is bringing me lunch tomorrow, I'm sure it will be yummy.

I ate a homemade chicken pot pie last night and lived through it. It was even good. Very.

Friends and family have been very helpful with the children. Thank you Brooke, Adriana, Jennifer, Ean, and everyone else. The kids are bouncy, annoying, loud, grungy, bad, excellent, beautiful, freaky, hilarious, obnoxious, pushy, irreverent, rude, selfish, dirty, late, messy, silly, silly, silly, silly, happy. In other words: perfect.