Chemosabe

Ok so get a load of this. Some factoids about the drugs I am about to ingest, as per my doctor's reading material handed to me by hand for me to read. Oh freaking great.

I am taking TAC. That's my regimen.

Taxotere is classified as a "plant alkaloid," a "taxane" and an "antimicrotubule agent." It's all natural - maybe there's even a granola bar version or something at Whole Foods. Or maybe at Whole Poisons? Anyway this little clear blue liquid ensemble is apparently fashioned out of periwinkle plants (catharanthus rosea) and the bark of the Pacific Yew tree (taxus). They mix in some podophyllotoxins from the May apple plant and some analogs from the Asian "Happy Tree." What the hell? This sounds like some kind of new Marc Jacobs perfume. Happy Perwinkle May Blossom! One spray and you'll knock 'em dead. And I love that word PODOPHYLLOTOXINS. All I got out of it were toxic pods. Like invasion of the toxic pod people.

Adriamycin is an antibiotic. Hey, that sounds right friendly! I love them thangs! Ya take 'em and your strep throat skedaddles! Cool. No prob. But wait, here's a little quote: "Adriamycin is a vesicant.  A vesicant is a chemical that causes extensive tissue damage and blistering if it escapes from the vein," and it must be administered by a "highly trained professional." Hmmm...me no likey that. It can also interfere with your heart a little bit - but only the blood pumping part. And there is a baby risk for getting blood cancer but I will ignore that. Oh and here's a cool thing - it's made from a special soil fungus.
Then there's Cytoxan. It's another alkylating agent in the same family as mustard gas and metal salts. That's about all the reading I care to do today regarding incoming liquids of the unwanted variety.

I feel dreamy. I feel floating. I feel nervous. It comes and goes but ever more the clock ticks and it's a horrid anticipatory dread. I cannot see the future. I mean of course I know I will be here next week and next month and next year, that's not what I mean - I mean that beyond 10:45 am this Thursday I cannot make out a picture of what I will be. Like - often on Friday nights I watch TV and we order Conan's pizza. I always get a salad with blue cheese dressing and anchovies and I cut them up. I swear, that's the best salad in town - bar none. Jeffries, Four Seasons, eat your heart out. I settle down after a long week, with my kids or whoever's kids are around, on the couch, have a top shelf gin and tonic (Fever Tree anyone?) and just chillax with some high quality low quality TV and a superb salad n pizza. Hmmmm.....do people on chemotherapy do such things? Or will I be flat on my back out cold in the bathroom? Or sipping chicken soup old lady style while bundled in a shawl? Sleeping? Feeling grotesque? Feeling sort of ok? I HAVE NO IDEA and that drives me crazy. Do I have book club Sunday? If I do will I go? Did I read the book? What is the book? Do chemo types drink wine? Will I be able to drive? Why did my doctor give me nausea meds whose side effects include bad headaches? I don't want a headache. Why didn't she give me a refill on the anti-nausea drug that is also an anti-anxiety but yet she gave me three refills on the other ones? I don't know anything at all.