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We ordered my favorite Friday night dinner last night, Conan's deep dish sausage pizza, and their wonderful salad with blue cheese dressing. The lettuce was nice and crunchy, the shredded fresh mozzarella cheese tasted like a pillow. The white creamy blue cheese dressing tasted like motor oil so I put a bunch of salt on it that it was sort of a slippery salty milk of magnesia slightly ranch type motor dressing. The crust of the pizza was fairly palatable. The red sauce on the pizza tasted like congealed lukewarm blood, kind of like the blood on the inside of a heart that you see it one of those Asian markets and you wonder who would eat it. The sausage tasted like rehydrated dog food. This is more depressing to me than anything that is happened so far.I snagged a jolly ranchers watermelon candy while I was at the doctor yesterday getting my Neulasta shot. That was delicious.
This morning I woke up feeling kind of like I had a hangover. Or something. Now I'm trying some frosted mini wheats and they're not half bad. Yay-ish.
I just generally feel depressed and blah and disgusting and grotesque. But don't worry I still have a good attitude about the over arching arc of this motherfucking cancer bullshit. And its adjuvant chemotherapy fucking bullshit.
I'm still me, which is just what I meant yesterday when I said I wasn't a cancer patient. I do not identify with cancer or chemotherapy. I'm still Amy, I'm still a Rocky Mountain Boulder girl who loves to drink gin and tonics and goof around and be inane and observant and droll and argumentative and loud and absurdly silly with my friends. This won't get me down in the long run but I will reserve my right to hate it right now.
There are perks, and many are pretty freaking awesome, here are some of them:
Teeny tiny little knit hearts made by hand from a wonderful person named Rebecca
Hand delivered smoothies, food, chocolate, and love from many many many friends.
Amazing notes and beautiful cards and heartbreaking texts and loving phone calls and surprise gifts.
Incredible offers to pick up my kids and drive them all over kingdom come at horribly inconvenient times from people I never would have thought of. Amazing amazing amazing.
Old friends coming out of the woodwork. And the clarity to see who really isn't a friend
Sweet girls - Fifi crawled into bed with me in the middle of the night and put her little arms around me and that was the best. Violet asks me how I am and sweetens me.
Adorable husband who has been so kind.
I love the illustrations! Eat more candy:)
ReplyDeleteYou are such a great writer...Amy the writer, mother, wife, friend,etc...not the C person. Wish I could be there for something... Don't know what I could do, but just something. I'll be back in town Tues if you need anything. Xxxooo
ReplyDeleteThank u
DeleteDo you remember our lunch a couple weeks back where I said I don't like sick people and then totally remembered you are struggling with an illness. Then I commented on how long you're hair was and you said not for long and I asked if you were going to cut it? Not even thinking of that side effect of chemo? I still don't identify you as being sick, or dealing with cancer. It's an example of how you are not identifying yourself first and foremost as a cancer patient. I'm thrilled about you keeping this blog, but when I think of Amy, I think of Amy, not Amy the cancer patient.
ReplyDeleteI know you too well for you to bother me - those comments were funny - no worries! I feel like SHIT today though! Nothing tastes good.
DeleteYou amaze me! Your attitude is inspiring and your sarcasm makes me smile! You are the same Amy and I miss having you three doors down every single day!
ReplyDeleteMe too!
DeleteI am sure your taste buds will rebound as soon as your treatment is over. Hang in there, baby!
ReplyDeleteUgh. Whenever I'm sick, wine tastes awful. I feel for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so with you on this ' the over arching arc of this motherfucking cancer bullshit. And its adjuvant chemotherapy fucking bullshit.' I hate when folks sort of nurse it and focus on it and let it live and be important. It simply needs to get the hell out of YOUR body. . .that's your territory and it is damn well unwelcome.
ReplyDeleteYou know I won't bringing you stuff or be there to give you a hug(I'm wishing I had some of that myself), but I am thinking of you daily and wanting your life to get on track and not be out of whack. . ..whoops, didn't mean for that to rhyme. Such a silly waste of time for you, I just wish you could kick it out the door. I know the girls are wonderful. It's painful to see them wondering what the future holds. It's hard to reassure them if you don't have it coming from within. That's what matters the most I think.
I was just about ready to write a note to myself to try that salad and then I read the rest. . nope, won't be going for that.
You have wonderful, supportive people all around you and positive things coming your way. It's certainly healthy to express and resentment and discouragement and sadness you feel. If it's there, then get it out. It will evaporate into nothingness with all the healthy love you are getting.
Not fair that food turns on you.
ReplyDelete