You have to admit

That this is a pretty funny prescription;

I mean really humor is all around us if we just look.

ACCUPUNCTURE in hours. Impale me.

So, back to Yoshimi and the pink robots. I've been listening to that album for many years, and I think the whole thing is sort of like a rock opera about illness and death, it starts off with a buzzing song called flight test (biopsy ?) or something like that, and then he goes on to Yoshimi battling the pink robots, and I think this means the medicine battling cancer. Then to me the song meanings kind of progress through the other stages from Elizabeth Kubler Ross: anger, denial, bargaining and whatever the other ones are, finally ending up with acceptance (of death - you know Kubler-Ross right?)

The last song is called Approaching Pavonis Mons by Balloon. I think this is something about crossing to the other side or accepting death / going to heaven. I wonder if it informed Ellie Golding's song Anything can Happen? Think I'll show both of those videos to you later. 

Right now when I'm thinking about song number 7 on the album called "Are you a Hypnotist?" To me this song seems to be kind of in the vein of Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, where a patient is in the surreal existence of illness and pain and dreamily contemplating the doctor. From partially across the divide. See what you think:

ARE YOU A HYPNOTIST?

I had forgiven you for tricking me againBut I have been tricked again,Into forgiving you,What is this? Are you some kind of hypnotist?Waving your powers around - the sun eclipse behind the cloud

 

I thought I recognized your faceAmongst all of those strangers,But I am the stranger nowAmongst all of the recognizedWhat is this? Are you some kind of hypnotist?Waving your powers around, the sun eclipse behind the cloud.
The song is very slow, very sloooooowwww, and weighty and beautiful. I think you should hear it. Please click on Google and download this and listen to it right now and get back to me.
Why have I been listening to every word of Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots album for 10 years? I remember when I first saw this album in Annabelle's Brooklyn apartment, and she was shocked and surprised that I didn't know of it. That actually was pretty bad. Why have I been analyzing these lyrics in my mind for 10 years, and come up with an entire construct for this album? Why do I know all of the words and the notes and do I see a procession of meaning in it so deeply? Did I bring this to fruition? Did I foreshadow this? Was it written for me?
Sometimes I don't know what to write about in this blog. I think I started it to kind of chronicle my experience with breast cancer, but then there's a little polite part of me that says "oh no please don't bother the poor nice people with tales of your woe and complaint, otherwise you will turn into a hypochondriacal boring old man rotten  kumquat person who repels people with her own self obsessed analysis." But, also, I hear from friends who say they want to know how I actually am feeling. 
Here's a little bit of that: I'm on day nine of the first cycle of chemotherapy, which started on Thursday, October 24. They gave me three drugs. One of them is so incredibly toxic that it is making me feel much much more sick than people feel from other types of chemotherapy, this is what the doctor says. In fact I feel so bad she's thinking about dropping that drug from my regimen. The drug is called Adriamycin. The writing is on the wall that drug will no longer be used in breast-cancer very very soon because it is so incredibly toxic but the benefits are on the edge of not outweighing the risks, or maybe I mean the risks are on the edge of not knowing the benefits or something. I hope you know what I mean. Lots of doctors and books and websites and studies are showing that it's better to not use this drug because it is so fucking blackly poison but it ain't no good for ya. How's that for science? I think it actually is a type of cancer. My Dr. says she honestly believes that even in months or a year this drug will no longer be prescribed, but cannot "quote the science," on that yet so she still recommends it for me.  BUT Will support my decision if I decide not to use it. What the hell am I supposed to do? Please wave your magic wand around and you tell me! I don't know what to do, I have the option to drop this drug from the rest of my cycles. However wouldn't it be stupid to die of breast-cancer because of that? Sometimes I wonder. Thinking about all this makes me feel sick. Now that's also kind of funny.
Right now I am trying to recover from the chemotherapy which poisoned me, and a shot called Neulasta which is supposed to build up my bone marrow. They have different effects. 
I feel horrible. My head feels empty and the emptiness goes from behind my eyes down my throat, kind of like when you are so hungry that you feel starving and it actually hurts. Yet the thought of food kind of makes my throat gag. I eat it anyway, and I generally do feel better. I feel like my body is a vicious machine that must be fed, I must stoke it and stuff it with liquids and vile oily bloody rotten tripey foods just so that it will not revolt on me. It's on the edge of revolt at any moment, the stomach is rumbling and roiling, the head is pounding, the back is clamping. I do not like it. Even the shower feels nasty. I feel like I am actually disgusting. Dis = not;  and gust = stomach. I am "not – stomaching" --- yes this is actually fairly accurate description. The insides of my body don't work. Overall, to be honest I feel like shit. Almost every minute of every day. I'm getting very tired of this, and I don't know if I can take it anymore. I can act pretty good, but it's sort of like feeling like you have food poisoning in a hangover all the time. It's tiring me out, but fatigue is not my problem, my problem is the feeling of feeling sick and disgusting. I know I'm supposed to focus on the positive, and visualize good things. I cannot stop visualizing poison in my bones and my cells and it's hurting me. My eyeballs are nauseated. I don't want or need any objects from anybody. I don't need food, chocolate, drinks, snacks, books. I have enough of those things I think. Every once in a while I have a craving, like for a cola Slurpie from 7-11, or a piece of steamed cod with a soy citrus sauce on it, or a small bowl of popcorn. I know I'm supposed to be distracting myself by watching funny television but I forgot how. I feel like I am pathetic, and I'm not fishing for compliments when I say that. I think that I know that it might be true that it could happen that I will feel better later, but right now I don't believe it. I feel like I let people down if I don't have a more positive attitude.
Then when I think about this long enough to become tired of my own self. The please send me some gossipy news that dreadful things that are happening in your life for other people's lives so that I may laugh at them or have some feelings toward them that has nothing to do with me.
Nice to see a very dear friend walk up to my porch yesterday all the way from Michigan:

Nice to see one of Violet's friends Cayley with the most beautiful Halloween make up ever:

Nice to see Fiona with her little school friend so charmingly in synch: