This is what I look like
I weigh 136 pounds
My mouth tastes like the hoof of a horse that stepped in death
Every hour my stomach twirls into a cinnamon swirl knot of pain and I jump up ready for nothing
The room I'm in is making me sick
I'm hungry
The thought of food makes me want to be in a coma or be not awake or be dead
My left eye is twitching uncontrollably, what if the nerve there was damaged and I have a permanent eye twitch?
That thing I just said, I don't care about that
I don't care about breast cancer
I'm not motivated to be cured
My hands and feet are dry
My hedgehog hair has neither fallen out or budged, it's black and prickly like dirt
I'm starting to hate life
Sometimes I think about next spring and it seems like it might be good
I feel mad some
I feel sad or I want to feel sad like I want to cry but I can't because I can't feel it enough, because I'm behind a wall of glass that's covered with fogging oil. I can't feel much of anything.
My bathrobe and my blankets smell like chemicals and I can't stand them
If I were to drink 10 shots of tequila I wouldn't get drunk
I feel so dull and dullness is my nemesis
Even the special things I have to make me feel better make me feel sick
I feel so ugly and I didn't know how much that would hurt
I wish I could say something to make it better. But all I can do is just say something. I hold you in my heart.
ReplyDeleteSorry to scare, was a bad moment, it'll get better I know
DeleteI promise that after the hell of it all, it does get better.
DeleteI don't know what to say as from what you write you are going through "hell". All I can say is that I pray for you and think about you. But one day this hell will be' over. Be strong and fight this d..n cancer
ReplyDeleteI ok
DeleteYou are beautiful & have a good heart doesn't matter how you look. This is temporary, this shall pass. You have a loving husband, wonderful kids & lots and lots of friends who need you. This is a very hard, hang in there for all of us. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteTrue. I'll be ok. Thank you
DeleteI'm not sure what to say except I hear you, I feel for you, and I love you. Like the country song says "when you're going through hell, keep on going"
ReplyDeleteJust trying to be honest, it will get better I know. Thank you
Deletelove you.
ReplyDeleteHang on Amy. Please hang on there. The world needs you; I need you;our daughters need you; your husband; those who need to read what you write must be able to learn from your experience and your words are singularly wonderfully put together and everyone on earth can love to read your witty wary warning worrisome yet wonderful wonderful amazing writing. But only if you continue to share. And share more… . Can't you see it precious child -- you are beautiful inside and out?! Love
ReplyDeleteI'm hanging in there don't worry
DeleteYes. I know. Love ~~ I don't mean this facetiously, but because there seem to be two main forces -- one of great good and the other of evil -- I just want to say "May the Force be with you," Amy -- the good positive force. May it heap strength and happiness into you and take away the awful pain at least for a while. Thanks for making me feel better, as if I need this -- you are amazing!
DeleteYou deserve to be fed up with all of it. You are a strong woman regardless!! I still think you look great. Not too many bald women can say that....but I'm sure I would hate the way I looked too if I lost all my hair, senses (all of them). It is hard to read sometimes because all of us out here are powerless....praying for you everyday.
ReplyDeleteAmy: Love and hugs and healing thoughts coming your way. Thank you for your raw honesty - it's inspiring to read your blog daily. You're a STRONG lady!
ReplyDeleteI see a faint flitter of life around your mouth! You are just trying to look as bad as you feel. I don't think you can look that bad. This really sucks. I hate it for you and for every one else. Why the hell can't they come up with some little jewel of med that goes around the blood stream identifying the aliens and blasting them to kingdom come! Why do they have fuck with the good stuff? Makes no damn sense to me. Did any one ever explain how this killing of the fast growing cells will benefit the destruction of the slow growing cells. It's like you have all these little innocents lined up in front of the bad guy that you want to destroy. The innocents must go in order to get to the bad guy. Really, in thousands of years, that's the only tactic they've developed. Has to be another way!
ReplyDeleteI see inspiration and strength in your words of despair. Because they are words of despair. You put down those words. It takes strength to do that and somehow you are finding this strength if no other. I feel you. I believe you. I hear you. I want to hear more. You inspire me, as always. Love you to pieces! xoxo
ReplyDelete