Rant

I'd like to get off this goddamn roller coaster pretty soon. Yesterday I went and got fluids with Rebecca, thank you for driving me. We schlepped out in the freezer. We drove from the Popsicle shelf to the frozen pea shelf and parked in the ice tray. We remained in the ice cream department most of the day. I was so cold last night that I was walking around wearing a dirty naked ugly down blanket. 

But who cares that doesn't matter. I was feeling pretty pleased as punch with myself for inhaling through a needle several liters of fluid and being able to eat dinner. Yay Amy! I'm awesome! All the hype is true about how wonderful I am! I'm doing it right this time. This time.

But today? I've had it! I'm actually mad! In what I thought was the middle of the night, I was having a dream that some large muscley strapped man, in other words some short square self assured hunky annoying person like Tom Cruise, came up and slapped his big fat meaty hand right on my back at the base of my neck as hard as he could, and then started to squeeze me. He flashed his megatwat smile and gripped me hard, in what he thought was a comradely way. A Scientologically bright and radiant way. And squeezed. And squeezed. Till my breath hurt coming in. 

I realized then that the dream had unraveled and I was once again in that damn state of sort of awake sort of asleep , and not knowing what day it was or what time it was or what continent I was on or what room I was in or what floor I was on or anything. I thought well it must be about 8 o'clock in the morning and the kids have gone to school, or maybe it's Saturday before Christmas. But no it was more like 11 PM. Another long night that had just started. I lay there for an hour or two trying to get comfortable and thinking what is this twinging singing screaming pain!? Did I sleep wrong? Have I been laying down too long and my back and neck are getting scratchy scratchy crotchety old mannishly sore? How dull a diagnosis - I shall not attend to this. Then I realized - it was the Neulasta shot, which makes boiling pain inside a bone. OH YEAH THAT! Oh gee thanks. 

I dreamt about getting up to get some Advil for three seasons before I made myself get up to do it. You know how pathetic it is when you feel so awful that you need medication, but you don't feel well enough to get up and get it? That was how I felt. I hate that me. Another hour or year went by and I realized I needed something stronger, so I shuffled myself up schlep my medicine burro downstairs, made myself eat a snack and then took a big old fat Percocet, the world's best pain pill. These aren't even prescribed to me by my doctor, she has yet to get out the really big guns, but I have my connections. Thank god. Well let's say that did the trick, and knocked me out AFTER A WHILE. But now here this morning, yes 11:15 is tea time morning for me today, me no feel so good. The pain is back and I feel pretty nauseated from the pain medication. WTF.,So I'm back on the merry-go-round of antinausea meds, food, drinks, antinausea meds, pain pills - repeat reuse recycle re-fucking-re-tread. I am just goddamn sick of this right now. I don't need a pep talk, I don't need any reminders that I'm halfway through with this and things will get better. I do know all of this. I'm just in a bad mood right now feel like a scrabbling little roach that's being smashed by the heel of a giant lady who's walking up the stairway to heaven. And she hasn't even noticed me down here. I'm flat and cold and brown and losing. And she's gold and Chanel pantyhosed and she smells good and she's wearing a fantastic Chinese bun. Meanwhile I'm just down here as a nothing bun, a bun of nothing stuffed with nothing. A dim bun. That makes no sense whatsoever and I fucking like that.