Days after ending chemo

I thought I was doing better. I thought it was the vitamin B12 supplements. I thought it was the organically bound minerals. Maybe it was. Maybe I was doing better but today I fell off the bed, no not really don't worry. Just in my mind. Mike left for golf early early early in the morning. The girls were spending the night out. I was all alone. I sank into the bed, in the dream wake alive bed sick health state. I dreamt I slid off the bed down the wall like a smear crying while the light shone red through my brain. I could  see myself from above and I could see through my clear translucent skull to the red shining bloody brain inside. It was glowing neon like a piece of art. I was crying and crying tears were leaking out of my ears and my eyes and my nose in my mouth and I was actually melting and getting wider and wider I was becoming one with the bed and the wall and the floor and even the ceiling. Hours and hours went by, days went by fast stop motion like the movie the tree of life eons went by. I finally clambered up to consciousness and grabbed my phone. It was 8:20 AM. It was too late. It was too early. What to do? I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

I'm supposed to be celebratory right now, looking forward to good times. But I don't feel like it. I feel like a husky dog in a race.

I'm starving

But I cannot eat

I'm polite

But I cannot abide

I'm parched 

But I cannot quench

I'm bored

But I cannot rally 

I'm packed with so much to say 

But I cannot be creative

I'm tired

But I cannot relax or give in

Please stop