I can't think right write right now
But neither can I do another thing
Must attend
Took steroids as asked with food or milk
Now what?
Day is full calendar booked but
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
The days of old returned
Long ago in a far off country I embarked on a terrible journey into freakout land. It doesn't matter when or where this was, all you need to know is that it was shear terror and panic and anxiety 24 hours a day. It was a physical sensation. I've tamped it down over the years with various methods but it suddenly came back last night at 3 AM. I mean today. I think the body and mind are not different and that deep inside my body lives the knowledge of the bullet train of chemicals that's headed my way in 27 hours. The top part of my body, the head, the capital, still waggles its mouth encouragingly like talking and the eyes blink and the lips curve up, but deeper down the real brain is going into hyperdrive - the scenery is blurring, the heart is racing, the white rabbit is running and about to fall down the hole in sheer cliff panic. My body knows what my psyche doesn't want to say: that very soon I'll be so sick again, and I don't want it.
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There's nothing worse than anticipating something unpleasant. Better to distract yourself than focus on the awfulness...and remember that the treatment that follows will be the last round of this poison.
ReplyDeleteYes yes yes cannot get here fast enough
DeleteYou've said it: This is DADA!
ReplyDeleteDread. I think of my acquaintance who for her fifth round had to literally pry herself out of her home to get in the car. The word dread means something to you most of us have to work hard to imagine. I wish I could think of something to say that would soften it, but I can't. Only that I am sorry you are going through this. That I am thinking of you. And full of love for you.
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