September 14 report

I haven't blogged in a while. I keep meaning to but then forget or something. 

I feel strange these days and I'm trying to get out of that. It's been seven months since I had an IV of poison chemicals dripped into me, four months since I've had a breast operated on, three months since I've been bombarded by radiation, and a few months since I've had my ovaries taken out. And a few months since I started taking a very tiny white pill called Aromasin (Exemestane original name) to prevent my body from making the estrogen that my kind of breast cancer likes to use to grow.

Here's a quote from rxlist.com about this pill:

"AROMASIN® Tablets for oral administration contain 25 mg of exemestane, an irreversible, steroidal aromatase inactivator. Exemestane is chemically described as 6-methylenandrosta-1,4-diene-3,17-dione. Its molecular formula is C₂₀H₂₄O₂ " 

See, I lose track.

These pills are tiny and cute, like something Hello Kitty might lap up, if she were a cat. They are sugary on the outside. 

Side effects include:

Bone density loss - check (mine is down 25% and I have osteopenia and all that jazz yes shut up I know I know I'm taking calcium and jumping up and down)

Bone pain ranging from mild in one area like your middle toe, to severe like you're back is crumbling - I'm just stiff and creaky with sore knees and fat morning fingers (Ha ha fat for me! Have you SEEN my stick fingers?!) and knees that twinge when I go down stairs - I just ignore all that and don't care

Insomnia / depression / fatness / anxiety / crepey skin / uglitude / sagginess / and all those other lovely menopausey things ramped up for fun - I ignore those too and mostly I succeed but some creep up on me here n there

So. Here I am now. Supposedly cured. I dunno.

SIDE EFFECTS REPORT FROM MONTHS OUT

Chemo:

1. Things taste normal again

2. My hair is back really dark and curly. Not in a good way - kinda frizzy and grows straight up like Kramer's. I couldn't have bangs if I tried - they just go up like a hedge. I got it cut into a freaky mullety thing that people like and laugh at - I laugh with them. 

3. Heart - who knows? 

4. Nails - fine

5. Nausea etc - gone

6. Eyes - still water annoyingly 

7. Psyche - creeped out at the thought still 

Radiation:

1. Very sore spots inside my body in my bones - like the bone itself is bruised. If I lift my left arm up and push in about two inches under my arm it's super duper tender like I was in a football game and got kicked there and broke a rib. Also there's a spot on my back about six inches around if you traveled by tiny Hot Rod car from under-armpit area #1 kind of spiraling down about an inch that feels the same way. Like if I lean back on a chair. These are things that make me go "Hmmmmmm..." Yes they are "normal" side effects and "everyone is different" and "we aren't exactly sure why" blah blah but I have to think - what the HELL do microwaves DO to your BONE to cause non changing pain for months and months and months? Eek! Are they getting mushy? Dying? Molding? Bleeding? Green? Cracking? I do want to know.

2. Skin that was radiated is paler and dry but not bad.

Radiation and/or surgery:

1. Stiff and sore muscles under that arm and along side and back - oddly now more that right after surgeries and radiation. Have to stretch it out. Lots of women get frozen shoulder at this point from not stretching enough.

I'm existentially existing along. Back teaching at St. Edward's with a delightful batch of students. The world news depresses me. I'm happy of course to be beyond the year of breast cancer. But I find that I've withdrawn a little. I don't feel like getting out much and have been not as good as I used to be about staying in touch with friends or making plans. Have you noticed? I need to finish my landscaping but don't feel like it. And the pantry. And get ready for a meeting. I'm a little scattered. But I don't care. I dream about my brother throwing a spatula into the woods, or a dog bursting out of a box behind me to curl around me and bite me or a river flowing under a prison cell that a boy dives into through a hole in the floor. I want to read a good mystery. I want to rest and sleep and repose.

I am with Violet and Fiona. And Mike.