Surrender? Cheap Trick?

The song " Surrender" is by Cheap Trick.

Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird.
Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away, ay, ay, ay.

This is dreamy. Actual. Actually dreamy as in I feel surreal unreal dreamt zoned buzzed eery. Months of trudging along through chemo, successfully, fainting and ER-ing, successfully, and lumpectomy surgery after lumpectomy surgery after just a little bit more a shaved edge of remaining tissue surgery after oh just a wee smidge more lumpectomy surgery, successfully finally, and radiation, successfully....all successful and DONE...why now do I feel such panic?

Surrender?

I sailed through it all toughly.

Then anxiety punched through the wall and grabbed me by the throat and kneed my groin and socked my stomach and kicked my shins and put his mouth up to mine and sucked the breath right out of my mouth my throat my chest my stomach, and then threw me to the ground and sat on me. 

Surrender.

Buddhists say it's monkey mind.

Psychologists wonder about the root fear.

Superstitious people say it's some kind of demon.

Some say the universe talks to you.

Psychiatrists say it's neurotransmitter imbalance.

Shamen say it's a spirit.

Rose colored glass wearers say it's bullshit stop it.

Poets say it's hell.

Social scientists say it's the modern age with its avalanche of information hitting us 24/7 way too much to process way too fast too much too much overload overload!!!! 

I agree with some sum of some of this.

Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird.

Don't give yourself away?

I don't need advice or happy thoughts - they do not help. I am ok.

What fear could I have underneath my life?

Fear of death - maybe, well of course - we all do - but I don't sense that death is near and my fear/fascination with death seems about even with how it's been forever. I could be crazy, but I don't think this is it.

Fear of leaving my children. Yes, ouch, this is awful to consider. But if the above is true...? (Problem - I know that the universe is random and amoral so maybe the cancer thing simply reminded me that I am a millimeter away from these things now as I always was will be).

(I miss my mom).

So tomorrow morning is my oophorectomy. Arrive at 6:30 AM at the surgery center, surgery at 8 AM. Fiona is going to go this time and wait for me. She misses me when I'm gone from the house now for 20 minutes. This is taking a toll on all of us. It will be nice to see her too when I wake up. The surgery is fast and easy, at least for the doctor. Everyone says it's a piece of cake. I don't like cake.

Many good things have been happening right now, right alongside the underlying river of dread. I saw my sister, my soulmate, my keeper, my tea cozy.

And we had a small family reunion on my mother-in-law's side, and I met some wonderful people that I had never known until now. I don't have very many pictures of this, and will get more later. But it was wonderful to meet Peter and Stacy and Greg and Holli, and see uncle Dan. Many stories of beaches and schools and dogs and Brooklyn and movies and St. Louis and old/new times. Oh my God the world is so small it's no more than a globe in your living room. Last night at dinner I discovered that Mike's cousin Peter has met, worked with, and even stayed at the house of my friend Leila, here in Austin, to talk about documentaries and plays and projects. Freaky.

Holli is a fellow breast cancer survivor, and she gave me sustenance in the form of hugs and truth. Thank you.

My husband has been my driver, my bartender, my supporter, my particular carer, my chef, my helper and my rock during all of this. My kids are my 24 hour a day entertainment system. We are all managing to have the same silly Adams fun even though mom seems a little weird.

"Surrender" by Cheap Trick

Mother told me, yes, she told me I'd meet girls like you.
She also told me, "Stay away, you'll never know what you'll catch."
Just the other day I heard a soldier falling off some Indonesian junk that's going round.

Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird.
Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away, ay, ay, ay.

Father says, "Your mother's right, she's really up on things."
"Before we married, Mommy served in the WACS in the Philippines."
Now, I had heard the WACS recruited old maids for the war.
But mommy isn't one of those, I've known her all these years.

Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird.
Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away, ay, ay, ay.

Whatever happened to all this season's losers of the year?
Ev'ry time I got to thinking, where'd they disappear?
When I woke up, Mom and Dad are rolling on the couch.
Rolling numbers, rock and rolling, got my Kiss records out.

Mommy's alright, Daddy's alright, they just seem a little weird.
Surrender, surrender, but don't give yourself away, ay, ay, ay.

Away.
Away.